The Prickeldy Yonderkwott
The Prickeldy Yonderkwott is a levitating EnviroPred™ released by the Tyrell Corporation for control of the common housefly. The Yonderkwott resembles a small pink testicle about the size of a grape, and it zips about eating flies almost as big as its head. The Yonderquott has to eat constantly for the same reason the hummingbird does: it takes a lot of calories to hover and dart about so rapidly.
A full 8% of the Yonderkwott’s DNA is of Martian origin, and that accounts for the creature’s powers of levitation and for its prickeldy spines. The creature’s Chinese Pug DNA accounts for the drool and the wrinkles. And the snorts and the snoring and the slobbery sneezes.
The Tyrell Corporation assumed that escaped Yonderkwotts couldn’t established populations in the wild because they could only copulate inside breeding chambers made by the company. These breeding chambers were molded from patented plastics that release tiny amounts of specific pheromones. When Yonderkwotts began appearing everywhere in exploding numbers, it was initially blamed on knock-offs of the breeding chamber being sold on eBay under the brand names “GitUSome Yonderkwott” and “BreedaBugPug.”
It was only after the BugPug Crisis that all breeding chambers were made illegal, but by then researchers from the University of Georgia’s Ecology Department had discovered that nearly any discarded plastic container would work if it had been used as packaging for certain types of beauty products. Dr. Gilbert Mildabrew’s angry drunken rant to CNN’s Anderson Cooper expresses the extent of the problem best:
“Any of that honey-almond-herbal-extract-facial type of crap will work. They can have sex in over 83% of the stuff we tested. Fucking elderberry-milk-bee-pollen-enema bullshit. Why do we need this shit in the first place? People are starving to death, for Christ’s sake, and you’re making elbow scrub from butter and truffles and sea salt. And now you got Yonderkwott fucking in the garbage worldwide. We are so fucked. I give up. I really do this time.”
All places tropical and inside heated human habitations worldwide. Prefers to snuggle the faces of people suffering from allergies because people trying to breath through a head full of snot sounds just like a big snugly mommy to the BugPugs -at least that is what the scientists tell us.
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This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.