Month: June 2017

The Clicky-Toed Walrupede Trading Card

The Clicky-Toed Walrupede

The Clicky-Toed Walrupede was genetically engineered by SinoTech New Tomorrow Limited Hong Kong to eat cigarette butts in gutters and sewers.

The creature’s genome is mostly newt and centipede and contains only enough walrus DNA for the teeth, which were critical for the distinctive logo and for the marketing tag line: “Let a walrus eat your butt!” Other than that, the Clicky-Toed Walrupede is not too much different from all the other newt hybrids that have escaped from the scavenge-for-hire ecological remediation industry. Continue reading “The Clicky-Toed Walrupede Trading Card”

Donald Trump Asshole Animated GIF

Donald Trump Asshole

Trump has no respect for facts. Truth is whatever he can convince the poorly educated to believe. He speaks to people’s hates and fears, and it is easiest to use these tools on people who don’t know much outside of what they get from political rant in the media.

Political rant has created a lot of rabid people, and they are like the damaged people in cults, the ones manipulated into committing random acts of violence.

In this case, the act of violence was to vote for a mean-spirited buffoon who doesn’t care what he destroys in order to validate his tiny little ego.

Racial Arsonist

“An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud”
-Donald Trump

Holy Fuck Turtle Animated GIF

Holy Fuck Turtle

“If you don’t want to see a turtle’s pecker, then don’t scare the shit out of it.” -ancient Sumerian proverb

What the Sumerian proverb refers to is the fact that the turtles of the ancient world were a lot more confrontational and would rear back and say “come at me bro” if you messed with them. In the ancient Sumerian epic Gilgamesh, the hero uses kung fu to righteously kick the asses of several belligerent turtles, and that is why the SPCA includes a copy of the text in its annual book burnings. Continue reading “Holy Fuck Turtle Animated GIF”

Satan’s Retarded Cousin Earl Animated GIF

Satan’s Retarded Cousin Earl

Yep, that’s Satan’s retarded cousin Earl. (They don’t use terms like “intellectually disabled” in hell.) Earl is who Satan put in charge of Donald Trump.

Earl lives right there inside Trump’s skull, and most of the time, Earl is the one who actually decides what Trump says and does, and you need to remember that.

Every time you start ridiculing the President for acting like a mean-spirited baffoon, what you’re really doing is making fun of Earl and the intellectually disabled, and that’s not very nice. Continue reading “Satan’s Retarded Cousin Earl Animated GIF”

An Old Testament Smiting for Trump?

Who says the days of Old Testament style miracles are over? I can think of a couple of contemporary examples off the top of my head.

The US invades Iraq, a country in the heart of the Middle East, on false pretenses, when it already has more than it can maintain in Afganistan or expect to be able to walk away from anytime soon.

The Lord responds to that great act of dumbassery and has an African-American sharing the same Muslim name as the deposed Iraqi dictator elected President of the United States. Coincidence is the hand of God at work, or at least that is what I learned as a boy. Continue reading “An Old Testament Smiting for Trump?”

The Duck-Billed Snurk Trading Card

The Duck-Billed Snurk

The Duck-Billed Snurk is slimy like a slug yet lightning fast like a snake. The Snurk’s venom is only mildly toxic, but instead of having two fangs, the creature has a mouth full of needle-like teeth, and it isn’t shy about using them if you try to grab it. Luckily, the creature doesn’t get much bigger than a chipmunk.

Snurks were previously unknown until construction of a new dunking stool complex for the Bible Heritage America amusement park in Ainis, Texas exposed the underground chambers in which these odd creatures had dwelt undisturbed for millenia. Continue reading “The Duck-Billed Snurk Trading Card”

The Daisy-Tailed Moople Trading Card

The Daisy-Tailed Moople

The Daisy-Tailed Moople hides in flower beds and sneaks up on people sunbathing in public parks. It rapidly licks the insides of the victim’s noses. Or ears. Or eyes. Or mouth. Or all of the above in a frantic rush back and forth before the victim can sit up and yell what the fuck. Continue reading “The Daisy-Tailed Moople Trading Card”