Month: August 2016

The Konjillated Gundersquat

The Konjillated Gundersquat’s escape from the lab marked the end of Santa’s dabbling in genetic engineering, at least those experiments aimed at hybridizing reindeer with other species.

Most experts on escaped GMOs believe that that the Gundersquat was a misguided attempt to produce a cold-hardy species of escargot or conch and point to Santa’s fondness for both shellfish and French cuisine as evidence for their theory. Others point to more sinister motives. Continue reading “The Konjillated Gundersquat Trading Card”

The Star-Nosed Dandlesneet

The Star-Nosed Dandlesneet likes to hide small hand-held objects such as keys, remotes, cell phones, lighters, pipes, etc., and is particularly active around people who smoke pot. Or who are under a lot of stress trying to do ten things at once. The Dandlesneets just love when you get behind and have to rush.

The Dandlesneet likes to do things like put the milk in the cabinet and the box of cereal in the refrigerator and leave bags and purses on the roofs of automobiles. Nothing makes a Star-Nosed Dandlesneet happier than the sound of a stressed-out guy on a cell phone backing his car over his own laptop. When such events multiply in a spiral of ever-increasing stress, the individual in question is said to be dandlesneeted, which was the Old Flemish word for totally fucked. Continue reading “The Star-Nosed Dandlesneet Trading Card”

The Snertled Blert

The Snertled Blert is a strange creature indeed. Although seemingly related to amphibians in terms of having moist skin and gills, the Blert gives birth to live young which gestate in wombs similar to those of placental mammals, and yes, the Blert has a belly button like a mammal.

But that’s not what makes them weird as hell. What makes them strange is their annoying habit of “blerting” swimmers in the nose, which is when the animal darts up with the speed of a hummingbird and shoots its nine-inch tongue up into the swimmer’s sinuses and then darts away before the victim can react, often making a sound similar to the cartoon Road Runner’s “meep meep” before disappearing. Continue reading “The Snertled Blert Trading Card”

The Floofeldy Merfex

The Floofeldy Merfex or “Satan’s Feather Duster” is perhaps the most difficult animal to keep as a pet as far as damage to home furnishings is concerned. The Merfex is not content merely to shred the upholstery of sofas but instead has the need to tunnel inside and remove every ounce of foam rubber stuffing, which it tears into a gazillion pieces and scatters all over the house. The more damage a Merfex has done to a house, the happier and more excited it will be when its people return from work.

The Merfex can reduce an apartment full of furniture to nothing but crap bound for the landfill in a single day. They can also chew door frames to nothing and bust through plaster walls by running at them full blast “road-runner-and-coyote” style. Thus possession of the Floofeldy Merfex is illegal in seventeen states and the District of Columbia. “The Landlord’s Bill of Rights” passed by many of these states entitles a landlord to shoot these creatures and their owners on site. Continue reading “The Floofeldy Merfex Trading Card”

The Nocturberus Ginkdizzle

The Nocturberus Ginkdizzle is a tiny parasite that lives in people’s eyelashes. The Ginkdizzle’s saliva and droppings are mildly hallucinogenic, and when these fall into the host’s eyes, the host exhibits all sorts of irrational behavior. It is thought that the droppings of the Nocturberus Ginkdizzle account for more than half of all purchases from home shopping networks and at least a third of all marriages.

In the 1950s, the U.S and the Soviet Union both had secret programs to weaponize the Ginkdizzle, until the Treaty of Paris supposedly put an end to them. However, conspiracy theorists rightly point out that the reelection of President George W. Bush in 2004 could only have been possible through the mass deployment of weaponized Ginkdizzles or something equally nefarious. Continue reading “The Nocturberus Ginkdizzle Trading Card”

The Glerp-Toed Hizjiffle

The tiny Glerp-Toed Hizjiffle uses its sticky green skin to pick up germs from public restrooms, subway seats, elevator buttons, and other disgusting surfaces handled by thousands of unwashed hands. Then it likes to crawl through your sinuses and over your tonsils. When you first feel that burning sensation when you swallow, you can be sure the Glerp-Toed Hizjiffle has paid you a visit sometime in the past hour. Continue reading “The Glerp-Toed Hizjiffle Trading Card”

The Hoofilated Dundersnatch

Most people know that Dr. Equinox was the genetic engineer who produced over a hundred novel variations of the horse by combining DNA from other species, but few know that before his career in the sciences, he was a struggling NYC fashion designer ruined by his obsession with 1970s ghetto pimp stereotypes.

The Hoofilated Dundersnatch is the size of a woolly mammoth and is generally regarded to be one of Dr. Equinox’s more odd creations. The animal has horse’s hooves, but it does not trot, cantor, or gallop like a horse. Instead, the animal struts to the syncopated rhythms of Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition.” Continue reading “The Hoofilated Dundersnatch Trading Card”

The Merpus Kongadoot

The Merpus Kongadoot is a tiny multi-cellular organism that lives inside people’s brains and helps them ignore inconvenient information in favor of more comforting explanations of what’s going on.

It would be difficult to say exactly how much the human race owes the tiny Kongadoot in terms of preventing unnecessary stress and anxiety. Were it not for this creature, people would hardly be able to do ordinary things like shop for furniture or put gas in their SUVs without having panic attacks over climate change. Continue reading “The Merpus Kongadoot Trading Card”

The Tufted Heptonkle

The Tufted Heptonkle will die if deprived of fluorescent lighting and motivational posters and is most at home in cubicles eight feet wide or less. The Tufted Heptonkle can influence external events through its psychoteletronic abilities, which it uses to cause everything in the workplace to go to shit at once. This creature is most active on Monday mornings following three-day weekends. The Heptonkle breeds during meetings conducted by Human Resources and Marketing departments and lays its eggs inside photocopier machines. Continue reading “The Tufted Heptonkle Trading Card”

The Flatooberus Humfgrump

The Flatooberus Humfgrump is perhaps the most argumentative of the flatulentophilic worms. Always right, even when it is wrong, the Flatooberus Humfgrump must have the last word in any argument, else it is likely to die in a screaming fit. The Humfgrump prefers to keep its head curled around and tucked into its own buttocks and is biologically incapable of understanding any concept that cannot be summarized in an emotionally-worded bumper sticker. This creature loves to rant about politics and history but is spectacularly ignorant of basic facts in either subject. Continue reading “The Flatooberus Humfgrump Trading Card”