Jethro Sleestak Comix

The Snortled Bloatbeast

The Snortled Bloatbeast has a neck that is telescopic and shoots out over three times the animal’s resting height. The Bloatbeast also has a “snortle” instead of a separate nose and mouth, and food is sucked into that orifice  and swallowed whole without chewing.

The Bloatbeast’s snortle combined with its telescopic neck allow it to strip fruit from the tops of trees even though it cannot jump or climb.

The Snortled Bloatbeast is the worst pest afflicting Texas’s marshmallow growers, and a single animal can strip an entire grove of marshmallow trees in a single night. Continue reading “The Snortled Bloatbeast Trading Card”

The Poopled Snart

The Poopled Snart was genetically engineered from the DNA of guinea pigs and long-haul truck drivers addicted to amphetamines. The creature is very high strung, and it frantically collects dog turds and attaches them to its back as a form of camouflage.

The Snart was created to clean up stadiums and amphitheaters after events, and the creature is widely use for that purpose, but in the wild it prefers dog turds to empty cups or trash or  anything else it can find except for political campaign buttons.

That is why you will sometimes see what appears to be a pile of dog turds moving around on the ground with a MAGA button stuck on top of it. Look closer, and under the pile of turds,  you will see what appears to be a tiny old man on all fours wearing a guinea pig costume made out of old footy pajamas, but that is the animal’s actual hide. This creature is the Poopled Snart. Continue reading “The Poopled Snart Trading Card”

The Snartled Dingledat

The Snartled Dingledat is the smallest of the Australian squawkbirds, which is a loose term referring to multiple ground-dwelling species of varying temperament.

Like all squawkbirds, the Dingledat will squawk and flap its useless wings if you startle it, but the Dingledat is different in one terrible way: The Dingledat doesn’t run away. Instead, the Dingledat leaps and lunges and snaps right at crotch level with its powerful oversize beak.

As article 357 of the Australian Constitution reads, “More than one bloke has had his willy shortened taking a piss in the dark with a Dingledat underfoot. And so no fiddling with the price of horses, if we say we don’t want that. And the same with the taxes, by Christ.” Continue reading “The Snartled Dingledat Trading Card”

The Grumpled Blunderbeast

General Hannibal and his Carthaginian army crossed the alps in 218 BC with some armored elephants, but it was the larger and clumsier Blunderbeasts that they brought that truly terrorized the people of the Roman countryside.

The ancient Roman writer Livy and the Greek historian Polybius (our primary sources for the events) agree that Hannibal took great care in guiding his elephants through the steep mountain passes, but he let the Blunderbeasts “just roll down the damn mountainside, taking out trees and boulders and fuck all.” Continue reading “The Grumpled Blunderbeast Trading Card”

The Puckered Spurtlebutt

The Puckered Spurtlebutt is one of the most important creatures mentioned in the ancient scriptures. It shits diamonds. Continue reading “The Puckered Spurtlebutt Trading Card”