The Puckered Spurtlebutt Trading Card

The Puckered Spurtlebutt Trading Card

The Puckered Spurtlebutt

The Puckered Spurtlebutt is one of the most important creatures mentioned in the ancient scriptures. It shits diamonds.

In the Bible, God punishes an anteater for fucking a squid by cursing its offspring with terrible constipation:

“Thine anus shalt not spurtle a turd for days, and when it does, thine anus shalt spurtle diamonds. I am the God of butt hurt. Butt hurt is mine sayeth the Lord” 

-The Book of Festus 4:12-13

Fun Fact:

This animal was sacred to both the Phoenicians and the Egyptians, who associated it with their god Fardnarkle. The ancient Egyptians burned a special incense made from dried cat shit to honor Fardnarkle, who was typically worshiped when house guests had overstayed their welcome.


Hunted to extinction in the wild. Bred with great difficulty in captivity. Most remaining specimens are believed to be owned by rap stars and members of the Russian mafia. (No, Barron Trump was not almost mauled to death by a Spurtlebutt. That was an Internet hoax cooked up on 4chan.)

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.