Author: Jethro Sleestak

The Brainivorous Grookensploot

The Brainivorous Grookensploot nests exclusively inside the craniums of senile nincompoops. Its shit contains chemicals that make people act like stupid assholes.

Scientists call this family of compounds “magassiums” and speculate that they were evolved by the Grookensploot to prevent its host from behaving rationally and seeking help once infected.

Victims are known for talking about themselves all the time and having zero self awareness. Everything is a boast or a superlative, or very bad, the worst ever. Many sentences are left unfinished, and there speech is all rambling thoughts filled with exaggerations and wild claims.

The Martian Honkasquonk

The Martian Honkasquonk is a cautionary tale about space exploration and alien biohazards.

Bring back soil samples, they said. We can learn a lot, they said.

One of the things we learned is that just because Earth life doesn’t have silicone-based spores that can lie dormant for hundreds of millions of years, doesn’t mean that Martian life can’t have them.

The other thing we learned is that the Honkasquonk spawns by the billions and that its wind-blown spores are smaller than a dust particle.

The Catattled Taintersquat

Of all the strange creatures that inhabit the deserts of eastern Canada, the Catattled Taintersquat is the most feared, and for good reason. Using its razor beak, the Taintersquat can strip the carcass of a dead elephant down to the bone in less than half an hour, and if particularly hungry, crush the bones to get at the fatty marrow.

That is probably why the Taintersquat isn’t recommended for use as a house pet or emotional security animal. But it could also be the fact that the Taintersquat grows to the size of the a city bus and is hard on carpets, drapes, and structural foundations.