Category: Cap’n Clickbait

The New and Improved Golden Plates

Jethro Sleestak Receives The New and Improved Golden Plates from The Angel Velociraptor. Jethro has translated the golden plates up through the part where the Nephites failed to prohibit skateboarding and thus went into decline.

T Rex

Yes, we know that the Angel Velociraptor is really a T Rex. You have to read the New and Improved Book of Mormon for the story of Velociraptor’s  mortal life to understand his name. Or watch the movie version. But his backstory is simple.

Basically the Angel Velociraptor taught mixed marshal arts and was a total lone-wolf badass, but then this gang of neighborhood bully velociraptors burned down his karate studio and hurt his girlfriend, and then he had to defeat the gang and their boss in a world-championship mixed-martial-arts tournament held at the local civics center.

In the movie version, the Angel Velociraptor’s girlfriend has big breasts and wears librarian glasses. In real life, Velociraptor didn’t have a girlfriend.

At the end of the movie, they play this crappy 1980s power pop-metal song with lyrics that keep screaming over and over:

“Call him Angel Velociraptor! | For he defeats Velociraptor!”

While this crap is playing, they keep showing Angel Velociraptor and his girlfriend in a montage of them hugging and dancing and all happy together in sunny places where he trained alone earlier in the movie when things weren’t looking so good, and the weather was all gray, and she was staying at her sister’s place because he had roared at her.

I like the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie best. Crow chokes on one of Gypsy’s “poetry cookies” that she accidentally baked with movie quotes.

Ricardo Montalban

Jethro Sleestak looks exactly like Ricardo Montalban because Jethro’s fetus was one of several hundred thousand cloned from frozen skin cells stolen by the mafia and sold to the CIA. The skin cells were from a wart biopsy taken from Ricardo’s toe in 1978. The fetuses were sold to fertility clinics worldwide to finance a large shipment of cocaine.

Hitler’s Hemorrhoids

The doctor who cloned Ricardo M0ntalban’s toe was the son of a leading surgeon in Nazi Germany.

This German surgeon removed Hitler’s hemorrhoids plus those of countless other Nazis, and he used what he cut out of the men in his experiments to find a way to stimulate tissue regeneration.

That surgeon and his experiments are why Donald Trump doesn’t have a real birth certificate. The simple truth is that Donald Trump was cloned from some random Nazi’s hemorrhoid.

According to the junior doctor’s autobiography:

“My father kept a bag of assholes in the refrigerator and was always working on specimens down in the basement when I was a boy. He conducted thousands of failed procedures before finally getting lucky with one unlabeled specimen in a quick test he didn’t even think would work. And the rest is sadly history. I wish I had fed that bag of assholes to the cat that day my mother told me to.”

Dan Brown is writing a novel about the cloning (and the subsequent cover up orchestrated by the Vatican).

Mostly Dan Brown’s book is about the surgeon’s struggle to find a way to make the cloning process work and not about Trump and all the other sociopaths it produced. Mr. Brown says his book is going to be called “The Triumph of the Asshole”