You, yes YOU can personally assist Reverend Jethro in his ministry by making a love offering of cash money.
All donations will be spent on stuff. People donating their entire life savings are greatly appreciated. Make all checks payable to my boss Joe.
Reverend Jethro Ministries has just cut the cost of eternal salvation in half by eliminating the middle man.
And it is all available using our easy-to-download app:
Eternal Salvation (basic edition)
Billed to your credit card in three easy monthly installments of $19.95
Limited Time Offer!
By special agreement between Satan and The Home Shopping Channel, we are proud to make this limited time offer of
Donald Trump’s Immortal Soul
Sold as shares of common stock complete with certificates suitable for framing, wiping your butt, etc.
Jethro’s Gift of Prophecy
After decades of intensive study and prayer, Reverend Jethro is finally able to reveal the hidden meaning of The Book of Revelations:
- Satan keeps Donald Trump’s immortal soul in an old pickle jar full of farts.
- Donald Trump will probably be reincarnated as a turd.
New and Improved Mormonism
Surely Reverend Jethro will do nothing, but he revealeth the terrible burden that Bigfoot assumed after Jesus exploded.
Yes, Bigfoot took on the sins of the world, and it is really kicking his ass.
Read more about The Divine Sasquatchination and New and Improved Mormonism.
Read more about The New and Improved Golden Plates.