alternative comics and memes by Jethro Sleestak
The Voracious Seamoose was genetically engineered to replace goldfish as the disposable animal given away at carnivals to teach children how ugly and depressing life is.
The problem is that the Seamoose was bred to be even more indestructible than the little orange carp they replaced, and so most of them weren’t actually dead when they got flushed down the toilet. Continue reading “The Voracious Seamoose Trading Card”
Eduardo the Fruit Bat is an expert on rotten bananers. He says don’t eat the ones with the moldy peelings. He says save them for him. And any juicy bugs you find.
He says if you save him the good stuff, he promises to take a power shit in Donald Trump’s hair. And not just any shit. He promises a good high-fiber shit just like the ones he likes to do on Tucker Carlson.
That good old Eduardo. He’s the best fruit bat ever.
The Snortled Bloatbeast has a neck that is telescopic and shoots out over three times the animal’s resting height. The Bloatbeast also has a “snortle” instead of a separate nose and mouth, and food is sucked into that orifice and swallowed whole without chewing.
The Bloatbeast’s snortle combined with its telescopic neck allow it to strip fruit from the tops of trees even though it cannot jump or climb.
The Snortled Bloatbeast is the worst pest afflicting Texas’s marshmallow growers, and a single animal can strip an entire grove of marshmallow trees in a single night. Continue reading “The Snortled Bloatbeast Trading Card”
The Poopled Snart was genetically engineered from the DNA of guinea pigs and long-haul truck drivers addicted to amphetamines. The creature is very high strung, and it frantically collects dog turds and attaches them to its back as a form of camouflage.
The Snart was created to clean up stadiums and amphitheaters after events, and the creature is widely use for that purpose, but in the wild it prefers dog turds to empty cups or trash or anything else it can find except for political campaign buttons.
That is why you will sometimes see what appears to be a pile of dog turds moving around on the ground with a MAGA button stuck on top of it. Look closer, and under the pile of turds, you will see what appears to be a tiny old man on all fours wearing a guinea pig costume made out of old footy pajamas, but that is the animal’s actual hide. This creature is the Poopled Snart. Continue reading “The Poopled Snart Trading Card”
The Snartled Dingledat is the smallest of the Australian squawkbirds, which is a loose term referring to multiple ground-dwelling species of varying temperament.
Like all squawkbirds, the Dingledat will squawk and flap its useless wings if you startle it, but the Dingledat is different in one terrible way: The Dingledat doesn’t run away. Instead, the Dingledat leaps and lunges and snaps right at crotch level with its powerful oversize beak.
As article 357 of the Australian Constitution reads, “More than one bloke has had his willy shortened taking a piss in the dark with a Dingledat underfoot. And so no fiddling with the price of horses, if we say we don’t want that. And the same with the taxes, by Christ.” Continue reading “The Snartled Dingledat Trading Card”
General Hannibal and his Carthaginian army crossed the alps in 218 BC with some armored elephants, but it was the larger and clumsier Blunderbeasts that they brought that truly terrorized the people of the Roman countryside.
The ancient Roman writer Livy and the Greek historian Polybius (our primary sources for the events) agree that Hannibal took great care in guiding his elephants through the steep mountain passes, but he let the Blunderbeasts “just roll down the damn mountainside, taking out trees and boulders and fuck all.” Continue reading “The Grumpled Blunderbeast Trading Card”
Donald Trump: Does this hole in my head make me look stupid?
The man does not think before he speaks and picks fights randomly, but you think he has solutions to complex problems.
Donald Trump is a reality-TV star with dementia, a salesman of the lowest bullshit kind.
Rat Bastard, the King of the Low Men.
A worm in the skin of a man.
A rich-kid bully, a bigot, and a fraud.
A disease in the mind of America.
The puss from the cancer of Fox News.
Hatred and ignorance and ugliness made flesh.
If your five-year-old behaved like Donald Trump, you would spank his ass.
The Puckered Spurtlebutt is one of the most important creatures mentioned in the ancient scriptures. It shits diamonds. Continue reading “The Puckered Spurtlebutt Trading Card”
