Month: August 2017

Mr. Skanky

Mr. Skanky

Mr. Skanky is a rare dick-nosed dolphin, which have largely been displaced by the more common bottlenose dolphin. A Jersey Shore native, Mr. Skanky is a long-time associate of that bootiful murmaid, Miss Tammy Blarbstank.

Before being relocated to SeaWorld of Detroit, Mr. Skanky spent most of his waking hours digging through dumpsters in search of aluminum cans and panhandling for change outside of liquor stores.

Bootiful Murmaid

Bootiful Murmaid

Tammy Blarbstank is the most bootiful murmaid to have ever been dredged from the Jersey Shore. The men on the garbage scow that discovered Tammy used to pass the time by throwing her chicken bones and lumps of filth, which she would gobble up as quickly as possible, slapping away any seagulls that attempted to steal her treats.

Tammy began her life in captivity after she became entangled in a fishing net. Thankfully SeaWorld of Detroit was in dire need of a headline act, and the rest is history. Now children of all ages can bring sacks of garbage and feed Ms. Tammy whenever they want.

The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt Trading Card

The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt

The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt has a voice like that of Paula Poundstone and was genetically engineered to sing opera off-key as loudly as possible. The Snurtildurt was created by the CIA to be a more legally-acceptable alternative to waterboarding, but the International Criminal Court in The Hague ruled that use of the creature was “really fucking bad, like worse than my stepdad even.”

[Am I remembering an episode of NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me?]
Continue reading “The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt Trading Card”

The Jippled Blundersnerf Animated GIF

The Jippled Blundersnerf

The following wisdom was recorded while Reverend Bobby Lee Jones of El Dorado, Arkansas was under the effects of the Jippled Blundersnerf:

When George Warshington and Jesus started America back in the olden times, they outlawed all the Liberals and the Communists and the global warming, but then the Democrats let it all come back in, and now they have it in the kid’s textbooks just like the evolution and all that nonsense.

Nowadays you don’t even have to talk American down at the Walmarts. I tell you what. Jesus is going to smite the fuck out of this country, and I can’t wait.

The Jippled Blundersnerf Trading Card

The Jippled Blundersnerf

The Jippled Blundersnerf or “Good-God-O-Mighty Moth” is a gnat-sized moth that lives on psilocybin mushrooms and carries concentrated hallucinogenic alkaloids in its bodily fluids. Because the creature is attracted to the moist mucous membranes of mouths and noses, it is often inhaled by cattle, dogs, and humans, who then begin to hallucinate intensely, especially if multiple moths were snorted.

The Blundersnerf swarms on warm summer nights, and this may explain why tent revivals in the deep South back in the day were filled with so much ecstatic singing, shouting, and jumping around. Continue reading “The Jippled Blundersnerf Trading Card”