Month: April 2017

The Butt-Based Bundlechump Animated GIF

The Butt-Based Bundlechump Animated GIF

Some people live inside their own sphincters. Try to tell them one thing that doesn’t jive with their conspiracy theory, and they will retreat into their own mental anuses.

It doesn’t matter where they fall on the political spectrum, as long it is toward one extreme or the other.

These people think of themselves as being reasonable and fact-based, but the truth is that their world view is built on trusted voices and personalities, not facts.

Reasons You Shouldn’t Listen to Political Rant Radio

  • Rant radio uses populist rhetoric to advance the interests of powerful corporations.
  • Rant radio harps on broken government yet encourages the sabotage of government.
  • Rant radio convinces people to vote out moderates who make legislation possible in favor of politicians who make extreme promises.
  • Like any cult, rant radio constantly tells you over and over that everyone else is lying to you.
  • Rant radio uses facts selectively to construct a distorted view of the world.
  • Rant radio makes claims that are patently false.
  • Rant radio turns false statements into “facts” by constantly repeating them.
  • Political rant was the root cause of damn near every act of terrorism and genocide that has ever happened.

Deadbird Version 2 Animated GIF

Deadbird Version 2 Animated GIF

Somebody at work said I couldn’t predict the future. I said, “Bullshit. Donald Trump will say something stupid today.”

Anyway, here is another version of Deadbird as an animated GIF.

Things You Might Not Know:

Shakespeare’s most eschatological play is actually Fartabrieze and Thundero and not the sequel Fartabrieze and Thundero II: The Wrath of Mine Anus, which is what they taught you in high school.

The words eschatological and scatological might have distinct meanings for academics, but the working poor know that both words are the same when it comes down to it.

Ask not for who the shit falls. It falls on thee.

-Thundero’s words to Lord Dundersnatch, Act III, scene ii.

Jethro Sleestak Receives The New and Improved Golden Plates from The Angel Velociraptor

The New and Improved Golden Plates

Jethro Sleestak Receives The New and Improved Golden Plates from The Angel Velociraptor. Jethro has translated the golden plates up through the part where the Nephites failed to prohibit skateboarding and thus went into decline.

T Rex

Yes, we know that the Angel Velociraptor is really a T Rex. You have to read the New and Improved Book of Mormon for the story of Velociraptor’s  mortal life to understand his name. Or watch the movie version. But his backstory is simple.

Basically the Angel Velociraptor taught mixed marshal arts and was a total lone-wolf badass, but then this gang of neighborhood bully velociraptors burned down his karate studio and hurt his girlfriend, and then he had to defeat the gang and their boss in a world-championship mixed-martial-arts tournament held at the local civics center.

In the movie version, the Angel Velociraptor’s girlfriend has big breasts and wears librarian glasses. In real life, Velociraptor didn’t have a girlfriend.

At the end of the movie, they play this crappy 1980s power pop-metal song with lyrics that keep screaming over and over:

“Call him Angel Velociraptor! | For he defeats Velociraptor!”

While this crap is playing, they keep showing Angel Velociraptor and his girlfriend in a montage of them hugging and dancing and all happy together in sunny places where he trained alone earlier in the movie when things weren’t looking so good, and the weather was all gray, and she was staying at her sister’s place because he had roared at her.

I like the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie best. Crow chokes on one of Gypsy’s “poetry cookies” that she accidentally baked with movie quotes.

Ricardo Montalban

Jethro Sleestak looks exactly like Ricardo Montalban because Jethro’s fetus was one of several hundred thousand cloned from frozen skin cells stolen by the mafia and sold to the CIA. The skin cells were from a wart biopsy taken from Ricardo’s toe in 1978. The fetuses were sold to fertility clinics worldwide to finance a large shipment of cocaine.

Hitler’s Hemorrhoids

The doctor who cloned Ricardo M0ntalban’s toe was the son of a leading surgeon in Nazi Germany.

This German surgeon removed Hitler’s hemorrhoids plus those of countless other Nazis, and he used what he cut out of the men in his experiments to find a way to stimulate tissue regeneration.

That surgeon and his experiments are why Donald Trump doesn’t have a real birth certificate. The simple truth is that Donald Trump was cloned from some random Nazi’s hemorrhoid.

According to the junior doctor’s autobiography:

“My father kept a bag of assholes in the refrigerator and was always working on specimens down in the basement when I was a boy. He conducted thousands of failed procedures before finally getting lucky with one unlabeled specimen in a quick test he didn’t even think would work. And the rest is sadly history. I wish I had fed that bag of assholes to the cat that day my mother told me to.”

Dan Brown is writing a novel about the cloning (and the subsequent cover up orchestrated by the Vatican).

Mostly Dan Brown’s book is about the surgeon’s struggle to find a way to make the cloning process work and not about Trump and all the other sociopaths it produced. Mr. Brown says his book is going to be called “The Triumph of the Asshole”

Dead Rat with Flies Animated GIF

Dead Rat with Flies Animated GIF

Dead Rat with Flies Animated GIF.

“A thing of beauty is a joy for ever.” -John Keats “Ode To A Dead Rat”

Everyone knows about the poet Keats’ fascination with dead rats and the other gross things he found in the dumpster behind the KFC.

In fact, that dumpster is where he contracted the TB that eventually killed him. Even after he fell ill, even after the rabid badger attack that left him noseless, Keats still referred to the KFC dumpster as “my treasure chest of earthly delights.”

To pursue his art, Keats ignored the restraining order issued on behalf of the restaurant manager and continued his nightly foraging. He was arrested multiple times that last year of his life, and that is where his most well-known quote comes from.  As Keats famously shouted in court, “I must have access to my muse!”

Gone too soon. John Keats, we barely knew you.