Author: Jethro Sleestak

A predator. A scoundrel. A user of religion for low tribal purposes. An inciter of mobs. A sower of hate.

Satan truly is assembling his army…

Putrid Weiner

Sung to the tune of the hymn “Bringing in the Sheaves.”

Rancid luncheon meat, rancid luncheon meat,
We shall eat a piece of rancid luncheon meat.

Rancid luncheon meat, rancid luncheon meat,
We shall eat a piece of rancid luncheon meat.

Mr. Grunch from Work

Do you remember that time you and Mr. Grunch were assigned to the safety committee, and he wanted to have daily meetings about the safety flyers when it was obvious that all you needed to do was take last year’s flyers and add the new stuff to the bottom?

Remember that time at team-building day, when Mr. Grunch argued about the score keeping for the field events and how kickball should be weighted more and got mad about it?

Do you remember the time Mr. Grunch forgot about his leftover tuna salad in the break room fridge for three weeks, and when he finally remembered it, the stuff smelled like a dead whale’s sulfurous bowels, but he didn’t notice that he was letting it drip on the carpet as he carried it by your cubicle?

Do you remember the time you and your work buddy were talking about her divorce and some very private sexual details, and you both started talking about everything you had ever tried, but then you noticed that Mr. Grunch was sitting right there on the other side of the partition?

 

Hateful Turd is the most awesome genius of all time, and everyone loves him, except for the stupid losers that should be sent back to wherever.

Jethro’s Gift of Prophecy: The Moops and Donald Trump

The LOOORD is what I named my bonktological device. I named it The LOOORD because I noticed I was saying LOOORD when I exhailed after hard tokes.

The LOOORD has revealed to me that I will be reincarnated as a moop, which is an animal on a different planet. A moop is basically a mud skipper but it says “moop” all the time. It also lives on its own filth, at least indirectly. The moop covers the mud flats it lives on with its feces and then leaps up and catches the flies that swarm over all the shit. Continue reading “The Moops and Donald Trump”

Bloney Sammich has a little too much mayonnaise in him. It leaks out and smears everything he touches. Bloney Sammich lives in a sandwich baggie left on the dashboard of a hot car that smells like farts.

Bloney Sammich’s girlfriend Tammy is a large dill pickle with juice in a zip baggie. Tammy looks like a big green turd floating in green turd juice.

Bloney Sammich does not like Foot Potater because Tammy used to date Foot Potater back when she waited tables at the steak house.

Foot Potater

Foot Potater lives in the all-you-can eat buffet bar down at the steakhouse across from the airport, the one that keeps closing and reopening. Foot Potater made himself a nest from all the used tissues that people drop onto the salad bar while they talk on their cell phones or yell at their kids or just don’t pay attention.

Foot Potater’s knows that he isn’t supposed to, but he often takes a crap in the far end of the hot bar instead of getting down, usually into the chicken-fried steak or the sloppy joes or the special if it has gravy.

Hipster Jesus Was Offended For Your Sins.

Do you remember that time you forgot to concede your point in an argument when someone announced they were offended on a matter of race or gender? Why are you such a horrible person?