Month: January 2020

The Deadly Kinchadoo

The Deadly Kinchadoo or Biting Snail isn’t actually a snail, or a kinchadoo, whatever the fuck that is. It’s more of a frog-moose hybrid, with just enough snail genome spliced in to provide the shell and extra mucous.

The Kinchadoo is venomous, but it has no fangs. The venom is in the creature’s saliva, and it must latch onto victims and chew to administer enough to have an effect on an animal of any size. Consequently, human fatalities are quite rare and usually involve someone passing out drunk on the lawn.

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The Speckled Sea Anus

The Speckled Sea Anus (Dow-Dupont’s Sea Sphincter ™ ) is the most important organism ever created by genetic engineering for the purposes of marine bioremediation. It eats floating plastic and shits diamonds.

The Speckled Sea Anus is free swimming thanks to its tentacles and flipper doo dads, but its body is essentially one big muscular stomach like a sea anemone.

The Sea Anus doesn’t have a digestive tract with a separate entrance and exit. Instead, it ejects waste through the same sphincter-like mouth that it uses to swallow its food, just like anemones and corals and tiny hydras do.

The basic genome of Sea Anus’s stomach/body was derived from these creatures, but the digestive chemistry that goes on inside it is all Dow-Dupont, or mostly Dow-Dupont.

There’s actually Exxon-Mobile, Facebook-Fox News, Disney-Netflix, and a few other patent holders involved before you get to a diamond, but the initial breakdown of the plastic is all Dow-Dupont.

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The Krunkled Wompus

The Krunkled Wompus is one of the many types of hell beasts that wait to feast on the souls of the damned. It uses the stinger on the end of its tail to stab victims in the eye socket and pump their skull full of corrosive venom. Then it bites off their face and sodomizes what is left of the corpse before eating that as well.

The Wompus was introduced by Satan to help cope with the overflow in hell following the 2016 US Presidential election.

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The Skittering Skadoodle

The Skittering Skadoodle is the smallest of the moose-sandpiper hybrids. It’s about the size of a sparrow. It nests on the ground in large colonies of several million, where it skitters around underfoot, screaming its head off every time anything passes near its eggs.

The Skadoodle is best known for having won America’s Funniest Genetic Compiler Accident’s fifth season. That was the season when the piranha monkeys got disqualified because of all the lawsuits, and everybody got pissed off, and so the Republicans in Congress passed the “Freedom to Entertain” Act.

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