New and Improved Mormonism

“Pray for Bigfoot. Don’t let him explode like Jesus.”

That’s the central belief of New and Improved Mormonism.

You have to understand that New and Improved Mormons (NIMs) are just like other Christians in that they believe in Jesus Christ as the divine son of God and the savior of all mankind and that he was resurrected and all that.

The difference is that NIMs also believe that the sins of the world became so great that Jesus exploded from the overload, and Bigfoot had to take over. They call that tragic event the Divine Sasquatchination and believe that it happened around the time of Donald Trump’s third medical deferment from military service during the Viet Nam war.

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Does This Hole In My Head Make Me Look Stupid?

Donald Trump Hole In Head

Donald Trump: Does this hole in my head make me look stupid?

The man does not think before he speaks and picks fights randomly, but you think he has solutions to complex problems.

Donald Trump is a reality-TV star with dementia, a salesman of the lowest bullshit kind.

Mr. Grunch from Work Comic Strip Character

Mr. Grunch from Work

Do you remember that time you and Mr. Grunch were assigned to the safety committee, and he wanted to have daily meetings about the safety flyers when it was obvious that all you needed to do was take last year’s flyers and add the new stuff to the bottom?

Remember that time at team-building day, when Mr. Grunch argued about the score keeping for the field events and how kickball should be weighted more and got mad about it?

Do you remember the time Mr. Grunch forgot about his leftover tuna salad in the break room fridge for three weeks, and when he finally remembered it, the stuff smelled like a dead whale’s sulfurous bowels, but he didn’t notice that he was letting it drip on the carpet as he carried it by your cubicle?

Do you remember the time you and your work buddy were talking about her divorce and some very private sexual details, and you both started talking about everything you had ever tried, but then you noticed that Mr. Grunch was sitting right there on the other side of the partition?


The Moops and Donald Trump

Jethro’s Gift of Prophecy: The Moops and Donald Trump

The LOOORD is what I named my bonktological device. I named it The LOOORD because I noticed I was saying LOOORD when I exhailed after hard tokes.

The LOOORD has revealed to me that I will be reincarnated as a moop, which is an animal on a different planet. A moop is basically a mud skipper but it says “moop” all the time. It also lives on its own filth, at least indirectly. The moop covers the mud flats it lives on with its feces and then leaps up and catches the flies that swarm over all the shit. Continue reading “The Moops and Donald Trump”

Bloney Sammich Comic Strip Character

Bloney Sammich has a little too much mayonnaise in him. It leaks out and smears everything he touches. Bloney Sammich lives in a sandwich baggie left on the dashboard of a hot car that smells like farts.

Bloney Sammich’s girlfriend Tammy is a large dill pickle with juice in a zip baggie. Tammy looks like a big green turd floating in green turd juice.

Bloney Sammich does not like Foot Potater because Tammy used to date Foot Potater back when she waited tables at the steak house.