Fact Check: Not Even Satan’s Emissary Varlax the Impure Can Stand Mike Pence.
Consider this quote from Varlax’s most recent appearance on Fox and Friends:
“I mean, hear me out. I’ve had to listen to Stalin, Hitler, and more psycho serial killers than I can shake a stick at, but this guy is too much. All that phony godliness, and he’ll still tell any lie they give him, doesn’t matter how bald face it is. Say fucking anything. Makes me wanna puke.”
Varlax the Impure, Satanic Emissary to the Trump Campaign
How about a good old fashioned Old Testament curse sung in a death chant?
Fraud of Ages, I rebuke thee. Thou art made from lies. Thy voice is the voice of hatred and greed. Thou art a curse on the people and the land. Lord of Hosts smite thee. Lord of Hosts blast thee from this earth.
The Brainivorous Grookensploot nests exclusively inside the craniums of senile nincompoops. Its shit contains chemicals that make people act like stupid assholes.
Scientists call this family of compounds “magassiums” and speculate that they were evolved by the Grookensploot to prevent its host from behaving rationally and seeking help once infected.
Victims are known for talking about themselves all the time yet having zero self awareness. Everything is a boast or a superlative. Or very bad, the worst ever. Many sentences are left incomplete, and the ideas expressed are disjoint and filled with exaggerations and wild claims.
Symptoms of Grookensploot infestation are indistinguishable from good old fashioned senility, but scientists have developed ultra-sensitive microphones that can detect the sounds of a Grookensploot eating brain tissue.
Scientists say an infestation sounds like a bunch dirt bikes or chainsaws, with each individual Grookensploot making its own contribution. They say the inside of Donald Trump’s skull sounded like Sturgis Bike Week.
Donald Trump himself boasted about it in a video interview, “The scientists were amazed. They told me they had never heard anything like that.”
Inside the skulls of mean old stupid motherfuckers.
MOST YEARS YOU ONLY GET TO CELEBRATE 420. THIS YEAR IT’S 2420.
How odd is it that the people who like to think of themselves as patriotic or religious are violating quarantine lockdown orders without regard to the public good or the lives of the old and infirm?
How odd is it that ordinary deadbeat stoners staying home and getting high are contributing more to public safety than all these other idiots?
For years I knew April 2020 was going to be wild and crazy, but this shit is fucked up in ways I could have never imagined:
A reality-TV star President with dementia attacking reporters and boasting about what a good job he is doing in what is supposed to be a daily briefing about an unprecedented worldwide crisis.
A man who cannot open his mouth without lying or boasting or name calling or sounding like a spoiled vindictive child. Endless petty squabbles. Endlessly describing people as geniuses and then idiots when they disagree with him.
And to top it off: There are still stupid motherfuckers out there saying he is doing a good job.