An Old Testament Smiting for Trump?

Who says the days of Old Testament style miracles are over? I can think of a couple of contemporary examples off the top of my head.

The US invades Iraq, a country in the heart of the Middle East, on false pretenses, when it already has more than it can maintain in Afganistan or expect to be able to walk away from anytime soon.

The Lord responds to that great act of dumbassery and has an African-American sharing the same Muslim name as the deposed Iraqi dictator elected President of the United States. Coincidence is the hand of God at work, or at least that is what I learned as a boy. Continue reading “An Old Testament Smiting for Trump?”

Jethro Sleestak Receives The New and Improved Golden Plates from The Angel Velociraptor

The New and Improved Golden Plates

Jethro Sleestak Receives The New and Improved Golden Plates from The Angel Velociraptor. Jethro has translated the golden plates up through the part where the Nephites failed to prohibit skateboarding and thus went into decline.

T Rex

Yes, we know that the Angel Velociraptor is really a T Rex. You have to read the New and Improved Book of Mormon for the story of Velociraptor’s  mortal life to understand his name. Or watch the movie version. But his backstory is simple.

Basically the Angel Velociraptor taught mixed marshal arts and was a total lone-wolf badass, but then this gang of neighborhood bully velociraptors burned down his karate studio and hurt his girlfriend, and then he had to defeat the gang and their boss in a world-championship mixed-martial-arts tournament held at the local civics center.

In the movie version, the Angel Velociraptor’s girlfriend has big breasts and wears librarian glasses. In real life, Velociraptor didn’t have a girlfriend.

At the end of the movie, they play this crappy 1980s power pop-metal song with lyrics that keep screaming over and over:

“Call him Angel Velociraptor! | For he defeats Velociraptor!”

While this crap is playing, they keep showing Angel Velociraptor and his girlfriend in a montage of them hugging and dancing and all happy together in sunny places where he trained alone earlier in the movie when things weren’t looking so good, and the weather was all gray, and she was staying at her sister’s place because he had roared at her.

I like the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie best. Crow chokes on one of Gypsy’s “poetry cookies” that she accidentally baked with movie quotes.

Ricardo Montalban

Jethro Sleestak looks exactly like Ricardo Montalban because Jethro’s fetus was one of several hundred thousand cloned from frozen skin cells stolen by the mafia and sold to the CIA. The skin cells were from a wart biopsy taken from Ricardo’s toe in 1978. The fetuses were sold to fertility clinics worldwide to finance a large shipment of cocaine.

Hitler’s Hemorrhoids

The doctor who cloned Ricardo M0ntalban’s toe was the son of a leading surgeon in Nazi Germany.

This German surgeon removed Hitler’s hemorrhoids plus those of countless other Nazis, and he used what he cut out of the men in his experiments to find a way to stimulate tissue regeneration.

That surgeon and his experiments are why Donald Trump doesn’t have a real birth certificate. The simple truth is that Donald Trump was cloned from some random Nazi’s hemorrhoid.

According to the junior doctor’s autobiography:

“My father kept a bag of assholes in the refrigerator and was always working on specimens down in the basement when I was a boy. He conducted thousands of failed procedures before finally getting lucky with one unlabeled specimen in a quick test he didn’t even think would work. And the rest is sadly history. I wish I had fed that bag of assholes to the cat that day my mother told me to.”

Dan Brown is writing a novel about the cloning (and the subsequent cover up orchestrated by the Vatican).

Mostly Dan Brown’s book is about the surgeon’s struggle to find a way to make the cloning process work and not about Trump and all the other sociopaths it produced. Mr. Brown says his book is going to be called “The Triumph of the Asshole”

Trump: God’s Gift To America

Trump: God’s Gift To America

For God so loved the world, that he gave us Donald J. Trump, the only man  who can save America.

1 Share = 1 Prayer.

Better than Jesus. Donald J. Trump. He’s huge.

[I have always loved this painting because of when and where I saw it as a boy, and it caused me physical pain to deface this it with Trump’s face. But I figured that the harm that evangelicals were doing to Christianity by supporting Trump and insisting they were still followers of Christ was much worse than anything I could do with a piece of unauthorized political art.

It actually made me proud to have grown up Mormon that so many members of the LDS church were vocal critics of Trump during the election. After hearing all my life from fundamentalists that Mormons aren’t really Christians, it was nice to see a very public demonstration of who was who on the stuff that counts. -J.]

Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Equality and Progress

Everything you ever needed to know about equality and progress can be learned from Millennials:

  • Anyone who disagrees with you is only being racist or sexist.
  • Seek to explain every daily conflict in those terms.
  • Win arguments no matter how flimsy the connection by appealing to your listener’s fear of being branded a racist or sexist for not agreeing with you.
  • Always brand dissenters as racist or sexist. There is only one correct way of thinking about any issue, no matter how complex.
  • Race or gender is always the most important factor in determining who was the aggressor and who was the victim in any particular conflict.
  • People never behave differently from gender or racial stereotypes. White people are greedy and mean. Black people are lazy and stupid. Men are always the aggressor and never the victim. Thankfully, most of that has been replaced by the simple principle that a member of an oppressed minority is always right in any argument once that oppressed status has been invoked.
  • The most important aspect of your identity is your status as a victim.
  • No matter how irresponsible or inconsiderate you are or what problems you create, it’s not your fault.
  • Being an asshole is a highly effective way of campaigning for social justice and progress.
  • Sociopaths are always white males. Or black males. Or homosexuals. Or whatever group of people you were taught to hate or have had bad experiences with.
  • All the brown peoples of the world never knew violence or oppression before white European colonialists. All those thousands of years of empire and conflict in the archaeological record never happened. People didn’t have genocidal wars before white Europeans overwhelmed them. Of course they had teleportation and all kinds of advanced mental shit, but they didn’t have wars and violence and oppression.
  • If it weren’t for white people, we would live in an enlightened state of grace. Or black people. Or some group of people.

Why Mansplaining Is A Great Term

Mansplaining is a great term to use because:

  • no woman is ever overbearing or condescending or domineering in her speech, especially toward her spouse.
  • our speech should always include some word that belittles a gender, race, or identity.
  • the word gives great insight into how people who describe themselves as open-minded and progressive actually are.
  • it is used by those who automatically expect agreement and sympathy when they say a word offends them, and so by using it yourself, you automatically gain the right to scream at people how much the word offends you.
  • no true progress can be made in gender equality if we fail to adhere to the tried-and-true practice of sexual stereotypes.