The Shithead Gnat Trading Card

The Shithead Gnat

The Shithead Gnat or Little Flying Mutha Fuckas are tiny gnats that feel like fire ants covered in cayenne pepper when they crash into your eyeball, which is what they are known for.

First you slap your eye hard enough to see stars. Then you rub the damn thing around trying to get it out of your eye and mash it all to pieces, making it so much worse. Every last piece of a Shithead Gnat burns like pure cayenne pepper, every last drop of bodily fluid, every last fragment of antenna, leg, etc., and so your eye runs with tears like a faucet for the next quarter hour or so. Continue reading “The Shithead Gnat Trading Card”

The Polyceraphant Trading Card

The Polyceraphant

The Polyceraphant or Ouchneck’d Snuffeldy-Pig is living proof that triceratops and elephant DNA should never be combined. Blame the Martsanto Corporation for this one.

Actually, the lion’s share of the blame falls squarely on Martsanto intern Bob “the Blerf” Blerfman.

If the Blerf hadn’t faked the autoclave reports so many times because he was always in the restroom jerking off that summer, then there wouldn’t have been the prolonged period of cross contamination in laboratory glassware, which was exactly what was needed for autochimerization to occur. Continue reading “The Polyceraphant Trading Card”

The Gruffle Snort Trading Card

The Gruffle Snort

The Gruffle Snort (or Snortled Grunt) makes conspicuously loud smacking and slurping sounds while riding public transportation in order to attract a mate.

This display of gross eating noises is what biologist E.O. Wilson called “Conspicuous Assholism,” and it is what both sexes of Gruffle Snort find attractive in a reproductive partner. Continue reading “The Gruffle Snort Trading Card”

Why Mansplaining Is A Great Term

Mansplaining is a great term to use because:

  • no woman is ever overbearing or condescending or domineering in her speech, especially toward her spouse.
  • our speech should always include some word that belittles a gender, race, or identity.
  • the word gives great insight into how people who describe themselves as open-minded and progressive actually are.
  • it is used by those who automatically expect agreement and sympathy when they say a word offends them, and so by using it yourself, you automatically gain the right to scream at people how much the word offends you.
  • no true progress can be made in gender equality if we fail to adhere to the tried-and-true practice of sexual stereotypes.

Uncle Joe’s Curse On The Heads Of American Youth

Currently there is something in particular that you really dislike about how people are talking in youth-sploitation movies or Youtube gaming channels or reality television or somewhere else in commercial media with a lot of hype and marketing going on.

Maybe it’s diction, maybe it’s intonation of some type, maybe both, maybe something else. Whatever it is, it is something you find annoying in itself but also annoying because it is frequently imitated by people who spend most of their free time watching trash media of some type. Continue reading “Uncle Joe’s Curse On The Heads Of American Youth”

The Butt-Based Bundlechump Trading Card

The Butt-Based Bundlechump

The Butt-Based Bundlechump lives in its own sphincter and looks like a pink rolled-up condom only slightly smaller.

The Bundlechump keeps up with the news and can tell you why Hilary Clinton was the most evil politician that ever lived, worse than Hitler or Stalin. The Bundlechump has detailed information and theories about all sorts of news events, all derived from highly partisan sources, sources more actively concerned with manufacturing a world view than reporting information.

For that reason, the Bundlechump views any inconvenient piece of information as a lie, including basic facts from an authoritative textbook or encyclopedia. On the other hand, any claim made by the right-wing corporate media is gospel. Clean Coal is as real as Jesus. The Chinese made up Climate Change. Continue reading “The Butt-Based Bundlechump Trading Card”

The Easter Cobra Trading Card

The Easter Cobra

The Easter Cobra or Bitey Rabbit was genetically engineered by SinoBeast Shanghai Limited for retro-fetish hipsters (RetFets) in the North American and European markets. RetFets use the Easter Cobra to celebrate their neo-pagan fertility rites.

What can be more exciting than dressing up in hot sweaty 1970s polyester church clothes and hunting for colorful eggs in the tall spring clover? How about getting bitten on the hand by the Easter Cobra and injected with its hallucinogenic venom and spending the rest of the day nude and dancing ecstatically and having group sex in piles of writhing bodies right on the ground?

Yes, the Goddess moves in mysterious ways, especially when you are tripping your balls off so hard that you paint magic symbols on your butt and end up having sex with things like the car door and the hedges in front of the elementary school down the street. “Mommy, why doesn’t that man have on any clothes, and what is he doing to the shrubbery?” Continue reading “The Easter Cobra Trading Card”

The Rana MooMoo Trading Card

The Rana MooMoo

The Rana MooMoo or Common Cowfrog is a successful yet gross example of genetic engineering used to increase food production while reducing greenhouse gas emissions.

Since cows emit about 100 to 200 liters of methane per day, and since dairy foods are so important to most human diets, an animal such as the Rana MooMoo has obvious value.

As Texas A&M professor, Dr. Buford T. Bohanon said, “We don’t need a half-ton cow, just a 30-pound frog with an udder full of tits on its head. I tell you, this is one of the true miracles of science. Makes me proud to be a cow engineer. You wanna see the manatee we got out back? We put tits on its head too.” Continue reading “The Rana MooMoo Trading Card”

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum Trading Card

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum is a rugby-training animal that was genetically engineered to charge through clusters of tangled bodies. For maximum aggressiveness and indestructibility, genetic material from the ankylosaurus and the rhinoceros were combined to make this beast, and a pinch of billy goat was thrown in for good measure.

The sound of breaking bones causes the Scrumblebum to prance its hooves up and down and spin around excitedly in a circle. Ruggers call this bone-crushing orgy of stomping “the tap dance of death.”

And then there is the Scrumblebum’s tail. The swing of this creature’s mallot-headed tail is capable of fucking shit up righteously, to quote Jane Austen. Continue reading “The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum Trading Card”

MegaPro World Wrestling Extreme

The latest episode of MegaPro World Wrestling Extreme was on the big flat screen.

It was the opposing managers out on the ring talking shit before the match. Daddy Big Bucks was dressed his usual way with black suit and top hat like the Monopoly Man, and he was shaking his fist at his arch enemy, Ms Luv2Hate. Continue reading “MegaPro World Wrestling Extreme”